There is nothing better than being a mom. We’ve all heard this saying before, but it’s true. And women don’t fully understand it’s meaning until they become mothers. I love being a mom. I do. But, today, I don’t want to be “mom.” I’m mom, 24/7, and I never get to be Margaret. Every day I play the same role, and today it’s extra exhausting. It’s a terrible feeling, and even worse to hear out loud, but it happens from time to time. Mom-ing is the most fantastic job I’ve had. But, it’s also the most difficult, exhausting, neverending, and inconsistent one.
I woke up today for the 310th day in a row, being reminded that everyone else I know in their 20s is off at work. They’re drinking coffee, making money, expanding their personal and professional networks, feeling interpersonal successes, and (honestly) watching YouTube on their company computers. While they work, their student loans are decreasing. Maybe not, but at least there is an opportunity for them to be paid off. Meanwhile, mine are piling on interest. Like a lot of moms, before I found out I was pregnant, I had huge ambitions that I was on the road to achieving.
Why not go back to work?
First and foremost, I stayed home because I love my time with my daughter more than I loved working (even though I loved working in an office). Secondly, the hours and commitment to working in municipalities would have 100% interrupt my family time, every time, and there’s no denying it. Some careers are like that, and women have to make difficult decisions. I love my life as a SAHM, but I never get to look forward to breaks.
Weekends, holidays, and Taco Tuesday have lost their meanings. All of my days blend, and sometimes I find myself lost in the endless weeks. Luckily, this will change when Vienna gets a little older and starts a schedule of activities or school. Maybe then I’ll get those past meaningful days back. But, until then, I’m here. Teaching, protecting, feeding, loving, raising, and entertaining my mini-me human. Thank God she’s an easy child. My heart goes out to moms who have ones that are on the difficult side.
So, Why Don’t I Want To Be “Mom” Today?
Because today I miss Margaret. I miss being me, and only me, even if it’s for a day. I want to feel sexy, flirt, reject, kick my feet up and read a book, all without my uniform of yoga pants and sports bras that don’t fit me anymore (but I keep pretending they do). Not to mention being able to relate to my friends! They’re almost all non-existent, by the way. The ones I still have don’t have children. Hell, they don’t even have significant others. Sure, we can chat, but what about? They’re lifestyles and mine is worlds apart, and since we never see each other, there’s no common ground.
My old self is like an ex. I never got closure with or a chance to say goodbye to them. Obviously, I’m still alive, but I’m not the same person pre-baby. Are any of us? We might hold on to bits and pieces of our old selves, but we certainly aren’t them. Is this something moms of unplanned pregnancies struggle with more than those who tried? Or is it something we can never prep for?
For me, it was a shock, and it still is. The truth is, we all have days like this, of some degree, and I think it’s healthy. It’s a reminder not to get lost in motherhood and a way to keep our old relationships with ourselves alive until we’re able to connect the dots later in life.
Until then, I just don’t want to be “mom” today, but I am. I’m mom until the day I die. No matter how old my daughter gets, I’ll be her mother, and she’ll always be my priority – even above myself.
So, cheers to you if you’re feeling this way today, too. We can feel it together!